For the better

I have been given an opportunity to live a dream I always had. I always thought God's timing would perfect everything. However, it didn't seem to be the case this time around. If the opportunity had come 3 years back, then this job would have been perfect for me - the travelling around the world, my own time at luxurious hotels, shopping spree every other week. Fabulous life I'd say! Today, 3 years later, having the privilege to live such a life, my perception of it has changed. Perhaps maturity brought me to the next level? I don't know. But one thing I do know, living away from my loved ones in a country that is foreign to me doesn't seem like a worthwhile price to pay even if it was for all the perks of the job. Perhaps God's timing at work? Fair enough that I waited a lifetime for this opportunity, but more to that God is putting me to a test He might already have the answer to. To choose a life I have dreamt of living? Or to choose the love of my life? My answer loud and clear...I choose the love of my life!

So, if God has already pre-selected an answer for me, then why still gave me the opportunity I thought was gold? For mere confusion? I'd like to think that it is so that I taste the sweetness in missing the one I love, and a gentle reminder that he means everything to me! He was the dream I've always had. Thank you sweetheart for giving it to me.

Expectations...

"The unity of two people brings about a partnership that might possibly be of heightened expectations"

Is heightened expectations considered a disorder? Whatever.

p/s: HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO ALL BEAUTIFUL WOMEN! It does not matter however young or old you may be. As long as you are born homogametic, with x-chromosomes, you long to carry your very own child in your arms. You may run away from the commitment of motherhood, but the longing of becoming a mother will always be present. That's probably why dolls were created. To my very own mother, thank you for being the perfect role model in my life. Your shoes may be too big for me to fill. I guess I won't know how it feels till it really happens. I take my hat off to you, I salute you for being such an incredibly strong woman. I wish to grow up to be like you...I love you, mom! 

It's YOU!

So I got you thinking that I disappeared from the face of earth? Not quite...We've moved into the 5th month of the no longer new year of 2011. I wouldn't give a month-to-month recap of what happened coz typically that would be done at the end of each year. However worth a mention that I've relocated and I'm now working from Singapore. The first few months had been tough. But looking at it now, it is still tough.

When I first relocated, I thought it was because I didn't have personal space as I was sharing a room with my 8 year old cousin. And so I moved out. Moving out was a wise decision as I was closer to work and that gave me a few more minutes of sleep in the morning. Moving into my own room also gave me the luxury to be on the internet anytime of the day, and doing whatever I like in the privacy of my own room. Still after working very hard to furnish my little room into a cosy corner, I still felt very empty. Then I thought I needed to go out more often and meet more people and go new places. I did and the feeling was still the same. Perhaps it will change once I start working. Work started and nothing changed.

In the midst of all these that happened, a few occasions had me feeling over the moon and extremely happy. Twice, my boyfriend came to visit, once I went home for Chinese New Year, once for my boyfriend's graduation, and once when my boyfriend came over for my graduation. The culprit of it all is the 200miles distance that is keeping me away from the person I most adore. Well, I never knew I can be so weak. I never knew what it feels like to miss someone so badly. I miss him so much that it hurts. I don't know how or what I can do to handle the pain. But despite it all...I am truly glad I found the person whom I know I cannot live without in this life!

Thank You 2010!

And so, 2010 is coming to an end...

What an amazing year it had been...As we usher the new year, I want to spend some time to remember what happened in 2010 and be grateful for all the good things that filled the year!

When I think about 2010...

1) I thank for parents for being very tolerant with me as I whipped my temper up and down battling with the course I struggled to finish. Most of all, I would like to thank them for their endless support in everything that I do. Thank you for giving me endless shopping trips even when I cannot afford it as a student, for allowances throughout the year, for feeding me, for a roof above my head, for the presents on my birthday and Christmas, and last but not least for the warmth you've provided to make this home truly a home-sweet-home for us.

2) I thank my cousemates who generously share their knowledge with me. Knowledge can be read from materials made readily available. But more than that, the relationship we built with each other, the pillar of support we were for each other as we journey on as students with external practicum and all were priceless and cannot be replaced with anything else. So for that, I thank for coursemates for constantly teaching me to be a better person for myself and for the society.

3) I thank some authority figures/supervisors who were ever so giving throughout the year. Those who saw me as more than what I can be, I sincerely thank you. For believing in me and for grooming me into the student I am today. The journey as a student will never end. If anything, I've learnt to be teachable and be ever grateful for classroom lessons as well as lessons I got from such role models in my life.

4) I thank my friends who took the effort to call and check on me as I survive the year being a poor student. Poor in finances as well as in social life. But you guys constantly brought me back to earth by reminding me that I'm human being afterall and I need friends to keep me sane. For all the extra effort, I thank you.

5) I thank those whom I had privilege to work with for being tolerant of my new skills, and trusted me enough to work with me. Each and everyone of you had helped sharpen my professional skills in diverse areas. For that would like to say a big thank you. 

6) I thank the most important person in my life. I will never be who I am today without your love and your support. 2010 had been great! We proved to each other how much we meant to each other in ways never before seen or experienced. We not only connected as a couple, we shared our families with each other, we exchanged friends, and we continued to be there for each other. Darling, you know how much you mean to me, I thank you for being that special part of my life!

To 2011, welcome and may we celebrate the year with much victory, happiness, joy, and good health!

Back with a friend...

The sweetheart of my life is back! Feels so good to finally see him, and be in his arms again! He didn't come home alone though, he brought me a new friend by the name of Sheepie-Peeshie all the way from Queenstown...He's a adorable round plush, the size of my darling's head, LOL! As I said to him, he didn't need to come home with any gifts for me, all I wanted was to see him face-to-face again and that to me was the most amazing gift ever...priceless! =)

To the end of the most torturous 2 weeks of my life! *cheers*

To Sheepie-Peeshie...welcome to the family! =)

Missing someone...

Last week on the 10th December 2010, I submitted the final piece of work required of me by my postgraduate studies! *phew* There were many reasons why I didn't post an entry then:

1) I was exhasuted physically
2) I was tired of looking at the computer
3) I just wanted to chill and not use any brain juice
4) I went for a body massage
5) I went for manicure and pedicure
6) I went shisha till wee hours in the morning
7) I almost forgot to sleep

I remembered the moment I was able to churn the last word needed to complete my work, my brain just frozen, and my body ached all over!

The next days were spent cleaning out my room, tidying up and organizing my notes from February 2009 to December 2010! I felt terribly guilty knowing I killed so many trees in the process of completing my postgraduate studies! *gasps*

Now I'm just sitting, chilling, relaxing and anticipating the next chapter of my life...

While doing that I'm also missing my boyfriend as he 8721.5 kilometers away from me. This is the first time ever that he's travelled so far and so long eversince we started our relationship. I can't help but think about him every day and night and in between! I knew all along how important he is to me, even before he left for his holidays I was anticipating cloudy days without him by my side. This dull feeling only confirms how much he really means to me, and how I love him so! I have my lucky stars to thank for such an incredible guy who loves me in return. The day before he left for his holidays, he made it a point to spend one hour for every day he'll be away with me. As a result, we had to peel ourselves off our bed early and be glued to each other the whole entire day until it was time for him to go home to prepare for his flight! During these days without him around, I really do feel empty. And so I didn't quite understand when my friend made a remark that "relationships are troublesome!". True that some days we may have small disagreements and what not. But those not-so-good-days are needed to remind us of the better days we share. I've always enjoyed being in a relationship. I love that I have the other person to rely on, to care for, to share, to love. I'm eternally grateful for this funny thing called love. I'm more grateful to love and be loved by the most amazing guy in the world! I love you my sweetheart!

His Sacrifice for Her...

The most beautiful picture was painted before my eyes today. I saw a victim of abuse helping a fellow victim by leaving behind his own needs, hurried to her rescue and got her out of trouble. That sacrificial act to me described the purest of unconditional love. Capturing a moment of love in action is simply breathtakingly amazing! Perfect!

Frustrated

I want out of this right now...It's giving me uninvited neckache, backache, headache, as well as heartache...

Come one poeple, don't be so silly...put our heads together and get this done! I would like for this to be my last academic presentation ever. I'm sure you guys would like the same as well. So, why can you show some effort and some interest to make this a kick-ass presentation ever?

Stop it with your president and vise president elect for the I-hate-the-program-chair club already. President or not, I just want to get this out of the way! I don't want to have anything to do with your childish little game you play, it's unfortunate that I don't want to be part of your club. I hope you understand, I just want to get my priorities straight, that's all.

Love
Your frustrated group member.

Job Hazard

Apparently I earned the character of a "Psychotic Bitch" in one of the beautiful minds I work with. I would like to think that this is among one of the many job hazards that come with the kind of work I do. I appreciate the opportunity for diversity in the roles I am sometimes invited to play. However, what if the character is one that is my personal pet peeve? Embrace or shun?

And so they say, "life is full of wonderful little surprises". I agree, and I am utterly privileged to be given opportunities of many kinds.

Shopping?

Lately shopping is the most enjoyable and pleasurable activity on my list. I look forward to shopping every weekend with my parents, where I am not required to think about work or anything stressful for that matter. I must admit I really love it. I love hanging out with my parents and just picking out whatever I want. Most pretty, cute, floral, polka dots, ribbons and bows things/clothes attract me.

After a long day out, with bags of shopping in my room, I'd inspect the items I purchased piece by piece, try them on, hang them up or fold them nicely to look at, admire and adore. After all the fun and luxurious time I had. I now sit in front of the computer again and back to where I started, would begin to worry about work yet again.

Makes me wonder if shopping is a form of escapism for me. When will this end as my wardrobe is almost filled with 50% new clothes, 30% clothes I don't wear, and 20% clothes I wear. I'm afraid my space will not be able to contain my current bad habit. *pouts*

Half-Boiled Egg

As we were leaving the carpark of HOSKA, we heard a wet kinda "blab" fell on the car. We thought it was one of the ripened mangos like the many suicidal ones that landed on the ground. When we got home, I thought I'd go check on the mango to find that OMG(!) it was an egg!

The egg was the size of an olive. By the time we got home, having driven directly under the blazing hot sun for a good 45 minutes, the egg had solidified and changed its consistency to those of the half-boiled eggs.

Of all the cars in HOSKA, the egg landed on our car! How lucky were we? Was the egg suicidal or did it suffer an accidental fall? Whichever one, it made my heart sink a little. To see an egg, which could have been fully developed into a bird lost its only chance to see the world. How unfortunate to have come this far and ended up losing it all and becoming nothing? This made me a little sad as I related it to instances where we could have become something bigger and stronger, but due to our lack of perseverance and our quick desire to give up, we lose them all!

We were never promised smooth-sailing journey in all that we do. Sometimes the transition from being an egg to a bird is not easy. However, would you rather be a fully developed bird or would you choose to suffer the life of an half-boiled egg, splattering all over some lucky person's car? If you ever thought of blessing some car owners with your egg white, yolk and shell? Think again...Not a very pretty sight, when it's half-boiled on the car, it leaves a stain and it also does not smell very pleasant. Being an half-boiled egg on some person's car may not be the best thing you can do for yourself and for others. Why not suck it up, press on and be a fluffly, flying bird instead?

RUSH is a four letter word!

The snooze button on my phone is one of the most important buttons for the pig in me. I cannot imagine life without it. I'd be a very grumpy girl. Anyway, yesterday I was supposed to wake up at 8am for class at 10am. The first alarm went off at 8am. Perfect. I would usually hit snooze to enjoy another 10 minutes of sleep before peeling myself off my bed, roll out of it, head to the bathroom clean up, have some breakfast before I hit the road, making my way to uni. Ideally that is how it was supposed to happen.

I don't know if my finger or the snooze button failed me yesterday morning. The next moment, I opened my eyes the clock had 09:10 on it! I sprang out of bed. Shocked. Wondering whose fault was it. Anyway that was no longer important after 2 seconds of debating. I quickly made my bed and pushed myself off it, missing a step down, which probably caused a small bruise on my foot. Took gigantic steps to the bathroom, picked out the first piece of clothing that caught my attention, and headed for the door. In between getting changed and headed for the door, I filled my water bottle and chose my ear rings. As though something possessed me as I was filling the bottle, most of the water from the kettle landed everywhere around the bottle but in the bottle. Then I came to choose my ear rings for the day, picked out a pair with pretty white roses and an off white pearl in the middle. Brought it close to my ear and checked in the mirror. Too dressy. Put back into the box. While doing that dropped them on the floor. The roses landed on the side of one of the petals and resulted in some chipped paint. Ouch. Anyway I had to run, no time to inspect and feel sorry for it. Grabbed my bag and left.

While on the road, traffic was surprisingly a breeze. Took me an unusual 15 minutes to arrive at the destination. Upon arriving at the entrance of the building I was going to park my car, I turned off the radio knowing how the reception would blur out. Right after doing that, I drove into the building, wound down my window, reached out to the red button, pressed it and waited for the mechine to spit me a ticket. But wait. Before that, as I drove to do that, something happened. In my head I was calculating and estimating how much class would I miss...10 minutes maximum, I reckon! And then this happened...*screechhhhhhh*! Now what? For the freaking second time in my life, my car was damaged in this same building! What? Once every semester is the trend, is it? So my being late 10 minutes was obviously underestimated. By the time I got to basement 3, most lots were taken. I had to stop myself from thinking about what happened, opened my eyes wide to look for a lot. When I finally found an illegal lot, which could fit my car, I parked it. I finally got out of the car to inspect. My heart ached.

Lesson learnt: Michelle cannot function in a RUSH!

It's Winter!

The coldness is making me feel really lazy and unmotivated. I just want to stay home and hibernate and not move an inch. But it's quite impossible...with tonnes of work and merely 9 more weeks to the end of the race, suddenly I wish I could stop working, let my hair down, put my legs up, and just enjoy the music! Reality is that crunch time is here. When I'm most in need of time,  my days become short, with mostly couldy weather. The air is chilly and wrapping myself up in heavy thick winter clothings is by now the most burdensome effort ever. This depicts the current season of my life...I am in winter.

Being in winter is not fun, with most activities being indoors to keep warm, is beginning to get quite annoying. The burden of my work is like the heaviest weight on my shoulders that I can feel it piercing through my bones. Yet, there is no physical weight on them. I know it's so close, but I can't seem to find the motivation to finish gracefully. This is a challenge. I know it is. I have been told once before that I always run away from discomfort. I do. But right now, right here, suddenly the trick I always pull does not seem to work anymore. Running away will get me no where. I either bite the bullet and dash through or I quit and waste all my past efforts.

Though feeling quite low, I am excited that spring is ahead of me! I can't wait to see flowers blossom and bloom in their own beautiful ways. I know I will get there once this winter is over. Like the four seasons in a year, each season will conclude to make way for a new one to come. That is a promise that will not lie.

Ten.Ten.Ten

Greetings!

Today is the auspicious TEN.TEN.TEN! =)

Many elaborated cars on the road transporting beautiful brides and handsome grooms around...Many people took the opportunity to exchange vows, celebrate happiness, love and joy. If you got married today, CONGRATULATIONS! =) Indeed it's a special day. 

For those who didn't, hope you did something special too! As for myself, I was treated to a special weekend by the most wonderful person alive! The month of October, the year of 2010...I smell sweetness in the air, because my heart's been joined with the gift most precious ever! Thank you lucky stars for making my dream come true! 

"You complete me!" 

Confusion

Something in me makes my heart go soft for you...
I'm not the kind of girl who would tolerate nonsense
An eye for an eye is what I'd do...
You want to be mean, I'll play mean too...
But with you, over and again you pull your dirty tricks on me
I'm still finding reasons to forgive and respond to your occasional kindness
Why? I ask myself why?
You make my voice seems powerless
Powerless with confusion
I gather no courage to speak to you as you could bite without warning
Yet I find myself trying again and again
I'm telling you now how sick I have become...
Though I keep telling myself not to make allowances for you
I can't seem to stick to my words
Lots of frustration and irritation rile up within me
No one likes to be hated
But I secretly hope you hate me most and never ever speak to me again
I know I will not be at peace knowing I have an enemy in you
But I know I'd rather appreciate the consistency of you being mean
So please decide, evil from hell or angel from heaven...
Please don't be both because you're confusing the hell out of me!

Today is 24th September 2010

Three more months of suffering before I conclude my journey as a postgraduate student. The feeling of excitement steals center stage as I think about what I can be doing in the future - something I like, something that carries lots of meaning to me, as well as something I wish to embark on. But with such hope for the future, it's undeniable that I am also overladen with large amount of stress as I try to do my  best in finishing the final semester in the most satisfying way.

Relating to the future, I was also being reminded to ponder upon something that is quite real for the woman in me. Would I pursue my career and travel the path of a modern woman, or would I focus on my family and allow the traditionalist in me to play its role? As much as I don't feel my age and love the fact that I feel (and look, hehe) younger than my age, I cannot deny the fact that age is catching up and that decisions need to be made. Once I hit the big 2, I find that every decision I make revolve around either fulfilling the role of a modern woman or a traditionalist. Every single time. Now that I am about to conclude another chapter of my life in my 20s, I find myself asking the same question. Then again, I know whichever one I decide to follow now, being human, I will one day want a taste of the other path that I did not take. Either way, sacrifices will have to be made. I guess as of now I can still afford to follow my heart and see where it leads me. I say this because, each time I do so, it has never failed me. I hope that this time it makes no exception too.

How come men don't need to think about questions like that in life? Most men I know only have one goal, which is to work as hard as they can. They don't seem to have an option. So, who says having no option is bad? I wish sometimes I was born in the 18th century or earlier where women only have one goal in life, which is to get married and care for their families. No doubt I think it will not be anything near easy, but at the very least most women will be doing the same thing, so I'm hoping support will be there? And that this is probably the only one right thing to do back then. Your role in life is pretty much decided by the gender you are and you do just that, like it or not! To which, I think I will quite enjoy being a traditional woman to be honest. I would enjoy caring for my family through cooking, baking, sewing, cleaning, scrubbing, teaching, coaching, which are most of the traditional roles played by women back then.

On becoming a woman, modern versus traditional, today I had an experience of just that. I was put in the same room with women who are mothers and facilitating a parenting workshop. As much as I do not deny the lack of real-life experience to understand the problems presented but through knowledge which I am privileged to get being a modern woman in a modern day and age, I was able to read up and be a professional about it, without needing to fill the traditional role of a woman just to get a taste of what parenting is. This was really refreshing for me personally as I saw how modern and traditional made a collaboration together to achieve a common goal. Then again, as much as I felt good about myself being a modern woman working hard to prove myself in an area of interest which was obviously not very traditional, I also felt the longing in me wishing to be on the other receiving end, sitting in the room being what a woman should be, a mother instead.

This battle will never find its solution.

To my ever supportive partner, today is a date to remember...together, our hard work paid off and I'm sure we made a difference in at least one person's life!

Being Female

I woke up this morning as I was standing in front of my wardrobe, picking out what to wear, I had a sudden appreciation being born the gender I am today.

Being female, I get the freedom and the choice to dress in either shorts, pants, skirts, dresses, tights, long, short, with sleeves or without! 

Being female too, I get to doll up in pretty accessories and make diamonds my best friends! 

Being female also allows me to splurge on skin care products, enjoy the comfort of massages and spas as well as routine once a month facial without feeling guilty! 

For the reasons mentioned, I don't think I'd the slightest regrets for being born a female...I embrace my beautiful gender and I love who I am in the inside and out! =)

Injury

It feels good to be in the new month of September...THREE MORE MONTHS! =)

Last week, Monday I played frisbee with the sweetheart. We decided to go to the nearby park to toss the frisbee around and to practise my catching as well as throwing. He was commenting on how my throws had improved and how I can catch really well too. Throughout the night, I braved myself catching high throws, diving for the  frisbee, following the direction it flew. Then suddenly, the flying frisbee swiped across my face hitting the bridge of my nose, then my right eye. Before I buried my face in my hands screaming in pain, I saw lightning flashed in my eyes, then darkness. Wasn't exactly very painful, but I guess was the unexpected shock that it hit me out of a sudden.

Nothing broke. In fact I am thankful that it happened because I braved myself and endured a sporting injury! :) I'm no longer that girl who does not play sports!

And so for the last few days, I walked around showing off a patch of mini bruise acorss my nose, hoping someone would ask me where I got the bruise from. But guess what? No one noticed/bothered. Haha! But does not matter I'm still very proud of myself.

Lucky Star

 Today I'm quite undecided if I was feeling encouraged or discouraged...

Encouraged by one thing + Discouraged by another = Neutral Feeling? (Seems kinda right!)

Your presence meant a lot to me. I like it that we can share everything together. I liked it even more that your face was the first thing I saw today after having a somewhat excited yet anxious time. My happiness was only really felt and expressed as soon as my eyes met yours. You're wonderful, and I do hope you know it!

Maybe it really does not matter if I was encouraged or discouraged afterall. Most important of all, I was happy and I still am. In the end, it's your simple gesture that opened my heart to being in a state of contentment, love, satisfaction, joy and pleasure!


Thank you, my lucky stars!

Drunk

drunk

–adjective

1. being in a temporary state in which one's physical and mental faculties are impaired by an excess of alcoholic drink; intoxicated: The wine made him drunk.

2. overcome or dominated by a strong feeling or emotion: drunk with power; drunk with joy.

3. pertaining to or caused by intoxication or intoxicated persons.

 

I do feel like I'm drunk, and I am serious about it. These few mornings I find it so difficult to get out of bed, though having 6-7 hours sleep each night (too much compared to my usual 4-5 hours sleep). My eyes wouldn't cooperate with my wishes to wake up, and my brain keeps telling me I need more sleep thus keep making me all grogy! Seems like my mental faculties are impaired by an excess of WORK! Constant worrying about work is making me a little stressed and as a result my defense is sending messages that I need to sleep so that I can avoid attending to my work! Oawrhhhhhhhh!