And it starts again...

When I'm stressed, I tend to have the inclination to go and splurge on beautiful things. Can't really explain how shopping elevates my mood within seconds but it just does. The thing is, the causal of my stress at the moment is not having enough time to finish my work hence suffering the effects of these pressure. If I brave myself, put my work on hold and go shopping anyway, I know I will have no time to finish my work, but will be able to steal some time to indulge in some pleasurable activity. But reality is that stress will increase once I orientate myself back into work mode anyway. However, if I cling on to my stress, forget about shopping and force myself to finish the task at hand first, I would continue to run in the stress gear with no fun, and by the time my work finishes, the things I've had my eyes on might just be sold out! And that would mean stress from work plus stress from not getting what I deem as pleasurable = double dose of deadly stress!!

Here I go again...4 weeks into the new semester, I am feeling the familiar familiarity all over again!

Fun-kinda-tiredness

It's been quite a day...
Exhausting...
Draining...
Tiring...
But I quite enjoyed it.

My day started at the clinic where drilling started with my supervisor. I must say it was a very constructive session where I got drilled where appropriate and needed. She was actually pretty lenient with such a inadequate supervisee like myself. I sincerely hope that by the end of my supervision with her, I would have learnt a lot from her and able to be a better person at my job.

The next part of my day, I was invited to speak about my experience in surviving Australia as an International student. I was so nervous that one part I just blurted out, "What the hell!" real loudly, hahahah! I spoke so fast that I couldn't put a pause at what I was saying. I must say I felt really honoured being invited to participate in this event with people I used to work with in Brisbane. Brought back lots of memories. I used to view these people being my superior, and out of a sudden, that superiority schema which I set them upon just disappeared. Now it almost feels like we're on the same level. It was a very tiring day but at the end of it, I wished I could engage in that kinda tiredness once more. It's tiredness that I can put a period and go home not thinking about work for tomorrow. Where else as a student, my days are never ending, in that when I get home today, I still have to finish my work for tomorrow and prepare for tomorrow's lesson and that sucks! My day rolls on and on, and on and on... Suck big time!

Talent or Skill??

Sometimes I wonder if talents were given to match our predestined life?

Look, I really don't know if I have the talent to do what I am suppose to do...On the other hand I have so much more talent to do the things I wish I could do. People always say skills can be trained and sharpened. But why must my blunted skills be sharpened? Why can't I just use my already sharpened skills to cope in life? Is the grass always greener on the other side and that is why we are always usually tempted to bring out the part of us which is there but not quite there? We do this because we think this path would lead us to a better life rather than using the resources that we already have?

Between A and B, I honestly prefer B...but I have to complete A before I can get to B. I don't really need to complete A to get to B but since I've already started with A, I might as well complete it at the finishing line. By then hopefully B will still be an option and resources would still be there for B to come to success.

Dear Student

Sleep is starting to become a problem (again) these days. The new semester had only commenced last week and already after jotting down deadlines and expectations from lecturers, supervisor, and course mates, I find myself counting sheep with (unsuccessful) attempts to sleep...

I know pretty damn well that this semester will be hectic and I will not be able to afford sleep any lesser than what I am already lacking. I think I sorta, kinda know the roots to my problem. Am I setting too high expectations for myself that they become somewhat unrealistic, hence I overwhelm myself, which in turn caused so much uncalled for worries resulting in disturbance in sleep?

I don't want to lose my holistic experience of being back in KL to some mere academic expectations that I forsake other departments of my life. Already some things in my life is being at high risk, as I take a dramatic hold. Education to me has never been about books and lessons. It should include fun and the experience of here and now! What happened to the laid back, easy-going, stress-free girl I used to know?

Slow Down Mr Speedy!

I thought I'd have the privilege to post more entries describing my adjustment back to KL etc. Little did I know, being back here is no privilege, and Internet has got to be the worst thing I've ever battled with. After so many months, still nothing works. Out of my neighbour's kindness and generosity, I'm still able to use his connection, with his permission. But using something that does not belong to oneself means my flexibility is dependent on the owner. I have to work my "surfing" schedule around his. As much as I'm grateful for his kindness, being snapped off the Internet is not fun at all whilst in the middle of important tasks (by important I don't mean blog surfing or facebooking...I mean academic-related work). Due to my current circumstance, blogging has really been forced to take on secondary priority. Not like blogging has always been my priority, anyway. As much as I try, it just somehow do not seem to feel that important to me these days. I miss those days when I had the luxury to pen down my feelings and happenings in conservative diary-style. I remember days back in the good old school days where I would religiously jot down, and reflect on my daily happenings before I crawl into bed each night. Nowsdays as I go through my busy, nasty days, I often find myself rehearsing lines for my journal entries, but in my busy schedule, I almost find no time to sit down to reflect on my day on a daily basis. Such is life when it gets a little too speedy...

Am I who you think I am?

Stressors in life can throw you off-center, can it? As such, things that we don't need in life, we choose to eliminate. Coming from a people-pleaser personality, and the humanistic perspective, I have always thought of the need to accept people for who they are. I guess this view came from my limitted exposure to the specturm of people in our society. As naive as it may sound, I had always thought I have to agree with the people I care, and by agreeing, I should put their happiness first. Putting their happiness first, meaning to be like a loyal dog who does what is asked of the master - "sit here", "wag your tail", "keep going", "pee now", "stupid dog", "fetch it", "go now!", "good dog". Yes, to be like a dog. To those who matters to me, and I know appreciate me for who I am, I don't mind being a dog to them, but to some who are condescending, demanding, domineering, and authorotarian, maybe next time, ya?? Maybe one day when I'm self-actualised and reached my enlightenment. Till then, good riddence my condescending friend! =)

Labour Day

To all Labourers out there...GOOD DAY! =)

S for Shopping...

TEA & SYMPATHY
OPPSIE DAISY
BLUEBERRY
MOCA
MOOIE
GOSSIP

Catchy names they are...I spent the afternoon loitering around Bangsar going in and out, up and down shop lots, going through collections after collections of clothes to pick a few which made me very happy. Why not shop, when apparently shopping is way cheaper than paying to see a psychologist!

I don't know...it's not easy not feeling stressed anymore these days. Stress seems to be a constant, ongoing thing that when it stops, I feel odd. I feel like it's somehow not right and I need to surrounded by some sorta stress to make my life "normal".

Geez someone, give me some super, uber, ultra good news to make me feel like a bunch of floating balloons again, please??!?!??!?!

Till then, a shopaholic I shall be! ;)

2 Assignments Away

I'm 2 assignments away from completing my first semester as a graduate student!
I woke up this morning, thinking I'm so close yet so far...
But it's only the first semester...I see a super long and ultra winding road in front of me through this journey. Overwhelming!

Still Here...

"I'm still here!"

This reminds me, while working back in Brisbane, I almost always get locked in at work, being the last to go (on Fridays at least!), I would get the lights switched off on me and the main door locked by one of the staff...hence, "I'm still here!".

In this context, I'm still here, blogging...

Been a while, at least I'm still alive...

I took the plunge, I decided to come home to KL, to further my studies in Psychology. I don't know if my being in the program was accidental? Fated? Desired? But one thing I do know, I'm stressed to my core! I'm chemically and socially imbalanced, my life somewhat took a downward spiral...trying to stay optimistic, I'm convinced to think that my current state or permanence is merely my own interpretation.

What happens next?

Gee, I wish I could predict...we shall wait and see.

Well, at the very least, like it or not I'm still here! =)

Don't Wanna Grow Up...

These few weeks had been hectic and will continue on till I know for sure what I'll be doing with my life. I have too many things on my plate - packing for the move, getting ready for my trip home, mind-organising dad's 50th birthday bash, work stress and not to forget the lingering pain of the ultimate decision as to go home or to stay!

At times like this, when I have too many things happening at once, I always feel very emotional and weak...maybe it's an indication that I am indeed weak. I know I will get through it (as I usually do!), but it just very mind boggling when having so many things to attend to at once.

In another weekend, we will be out of our current place - 4/95 Berry Street...I will surely and sadly miss this place. Lots of memories, lots of love, and lots of joy shared...I'm so over moving from one place to another, but this has become a norm for renters like us - we live like nomads...up and go at any time. Landlords up the rent every 6 months...but our pay don't go up to match with the soaring living expenses, thus leaving us with not much choice but to leave to a more affordable alternative. I'm so gonna miss the convenience and the lifestyle of living in this place. So close to everywhere...work, city, shopping, food!

I miss my family...I know I will be going home in 3 weeks time, but I know this trip home will be very emotional for me. Such a big part of me longs to be at home with the family...but the other parts know very well to be practical and do what is right. I hate being a grown up when things are not as easy anymore. Thank God I have a partner whom I can count on to be family for me here. Without him, I wouldn't be able to survive the last few horrible weeks. I complained, whined, whinged...but yet through it all he stood by me and just kept reassuring me that tomorrow will be a better day. I am fed up with my current work situation...makes me very upset. I work very well with my boss but I really cannot see any future for me in that role anymore. I fear going to work...I don't like my boss treating me so nicely because that will only make me feel more guilty and I could end up staying on in this job. I wish I'd be able to do something drastically unacceptable so that I'd be asked to leave...stupid thinking...but what more can I ask for to kill the guilt?

Another Level of Maturity

My sorrow at work will end by tomorrow, but through the whole ordeal, I have found a new level of maturity. As much as I whined and complained about work, I would never in my life wished for someone to lose their jobs. My colleague has finally tendered her resignation. I cannot help but feel guilty...guilty that I have put her in such a terrible position that she chose to give up her job! She had complained that she had been given "cold shoulder" of late...I can't help but feel that I have been hit right in the head. True I have stopped chatting to her, but the reason behind it was so that she can learn to concentrate and focus as she admitted that those were her major problems distracting her work. There is a fine line between power and bullying...I don't think I like being given the dirty job of supervising someone. Power or bully?? It sucks...it makes you feel like you are the most nasty person in the world! Then again, through it all, I have matured another level...accepting another aspect of life...you just cannot please everyone...sometimes when it comes to the crunch it really boils down to either she dies or I die.

By-the-way, today marks exactly 2 years of my contribution to the company. In 2 years time, I have gone through 3 colleagues...something much be so wrong with me that i expressed loyalty...I think it's time to up and go...no point showing loyalty in staying in a place where there is no opportunity for growth, and unappreciative management. My boss thinks that after "getting rid" of my colleague, my work life would recover and be less stressful. This is like history repeating itself, when my other colleague left last year, I had to do the job of 2 persons...i expressed how stressful it was...but doesn't seem like anyone cares? Because I will have to be doing this again and knowing the management of this company, no new staff until one is exhausted. I need not exhaust myself again...I am looking forward to leaving this routine behind...Thanks but no thanks!

Father's Love

Let me share a story...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who finished 3rd in class when she was in Standard 6 and as a result, dad had a golden question for her, "Now tell me, what can I reward you for your excellent results?", The girl had all along wanted to join her friends roller-blading at a nearby park but unfortunately, she did not own a pair of roller-blades at that time. So, she quietly blurted out from the corner of her lips, "Can I have a pair of roller-blades?" Dad's instant reaction was, "Great, we shall go shopping for a pair of roller-blades for you soon!" Too ecstatic by t he news, this girl had her smile from cheek-to-cheek plastered on her face for the rest of the day.

Along came the special day, finally it was THE day for the girl to go shopping with dad for a pair of roller-blades. She is thinking in her heart, "Not long before I hit the blading rink with all the other kids!" Dad specially took a day off work to accompany his precious daughter to shop for the ideal pair of roller-blades. All this girl wanted was a pair of roller-blades which had its tiny wheels in one line and a pair that fitted her feet. Being 12, she suggested that they start off at Toys"R"Us because she had had her eyes on them for the longest time. She knew exactly which aisle to run down to and had her eyes fixed on a pair of pink one (admittedly quite childish looking). She was also very considerate for her age as she didn't want her dad to spend a fortune on the gift. This pair that she saw, was tagged at $120-00 and she thinks to herself, "perfect!", hoping dad agrees to it to. She just stood there, smiling at that pair of blades on display like a child craving a lolly for being good. Dad carefully walked down the aisle, inspecting each pair of roller-blades, doing his homework in learning what is good and what is not. After staring at the little beauty for all about 15 minutes, she felt nervous as her dad has not shown any indication of making a purchase. Without even trying, dad dragged the girl out of the store saying, "These roller blades here are made for children! You are having a pair that does a good job or nothing at all!" Sulking with disappointment, the girl thought to herself, "I don't think I'll be joining the rest of the girls at the park this weekend afterall, doesn't look like dad's convinced in getting me a pair. Is $120-00 too expensive? Maybe this is just too big of an ask!"

Still sulking, dad and the girl entered a sports shop which carried all the branded sporting gears. Dad looked, while the girl stood quietly in the corner, trying to be at her best behaviour. Dad started engaging in conversation with the sales assistant while I look on. He told the sales person, "My daughter finished 3rd in class, I promised her I'll get her a pair of roller blades, so we are shopping around." They even got into the teachnical parts of the blades which I never even heard of. They sales person introduced us to numerous brands and briefed us on the differences and the what-nots of different makes. I stood there, pretended to listen, as all I wanted was a pair of blades that would let me blade like other girls. In my heart I hated this guy for blabbering non-stop to dad. Stop it already! As predicted, they continued on.

Waiting anxiously, finally dad is happy with one particular brand and he's given the green lights for this guy to bring a pair in the girl's size so she can have a go at it. Dad asked her which pair she wanted to try out of the range in this brand. She pointed at the marroon pair. Had them on and loved them. As dad looked at his girl standing up pretty wobbly in the pair of blades, it suddenly triggered another question, "I don't think this pair is good enough girl, the wheels cannot be changed!". The girl replied, "But I don't care dad, as long as I can go to the park in them!". Dad almost ignorning what the girl's response, asked the sales person to bring them through a selection roller-blades with changeable wheels. And he did as told. Dad picked out a metallic blue one and asked if his daughter liked them. The girl politely replied, "They are too expensive dad!". Dad again ignored her had asked for the appropriate size so that the girl can try them on. After fitted them on, she looked so proud as if to say she was flying in the air.

Dad looked impressed by this pair, but the girl was concerned when she saw the price tag of $380 marked on it. She knows she doesn't need such an expensive pair as she is no expert of any sort and merely wanted it for hobby's sake. When dad was about to make payment, he suddenly remembered of something too enormously important to forget, "What about safety guards? You know this kind of things are very dangerous and if she falls, which she more than likely will, she will leave scars on her skin. I don't want to buy her something that will leave her scars. Moreover she's a girl, she cannot have scars all over her, can she?" Sales person acknowledged and showed dad all the safety equipment available in the store. Dad picked out the most expensive, which also means thickest of thick paddings for a wrist-palm guard and a knee guard. Dad even wanted to pick out a pair of helmet, but the girl just wouldn't agree to it. So in the end, it was the pair of blades, wrist-palm guards and knee guards. All packed and paid for. Before the girl left the shop, the sales assistant made a comment that made her feel overly guilty. He said, "You are one very lucky girl, for your dad to spend so much money on a pair of roller blades for a beginner like yourself!" Shy and blushing was I, I left the shop with a smile that never left my face for the longest time.

The girl was me. This had happened more than 10 years ago, but I can remember each moment of it ever so clearly. I was so touched that my dad took my interest so seriously, and mean every word he says. I'm not trying to show off or to tell the world that I own a pair of expensive roller blades. What I am trying to express is the genuine, fatherly love only a father shows. My dad is well known for being very careful with his money but yet whenever it comes to me, everything has to be nothing less than best! He had given me so much over the years that I feel so honored and proud to have such loving and generous parents. I have always told my parents, should there be a next life, I don't want to be born to parents who are more famous, much wealthier, or better looking, I simply want these two back as my parents. The love that is shared in our family is extraordinary. Nothing too special, but these two parents just keep constantly giving the very best to their ability to their daughter. For this I honor them and I thank them from the very bottom of my heart!

Love XOXO
MichelleC~*

Glamorous Work Station

Welcome to my new work-station! Currently being demoted to the archive room in the dungeon...Boring, filthy, dusty, smelly, and all sorts of descriptions to fit a room filled with nothing else but files! Oh, wait a minute there was also a step ladder, boxes for storing files temporarily, and other marketing materials. So much for work place health and safety!

I have spent majority of 2 days filing and archiving students files from last year. My body is starting to ache now, not to mention the cuts all over from those stupid metal fastener and staples! If you have not experienced working in an archive room, it's seriously not funny at all! Reaching up high, bending down low...looking at names to sort them in alphabetical order, after a while all you see is just *^#%$@&^#*#&$*^&%@^#%^*$&!! If I see another student by the family name of WONG, I will drop dead! I just could not believe there are so many WONGS in a semester!

Thank your lucky stars if filing/archiving is not part of your very generous job description!

Sorry guys, yet another boring work post.

p/s: John's coming back from New Zealand tomorrow...hopefully he will help me stay sane! ;)

Michelle Officially HATES HER JOB!

It has been made official, I HATE MY JOB!!

Let's take a stroll down my mundane full time job as a Senior Enrolments Officer (the glamorous title) aka All Rounder Admin Shit Taker (the real job description)...

0900 --> Arrive at work, log on to the computer and click "send and receive" on outlook (this will determine how well the rest of my day goes)...on a good day, I'd only receive 2 emails, which one is from mom (yay!) and the other from another ordinary full-of-demands client (boo!). On a bad day it could easily add up to 10 emails from dangerous-strangers!

0930 --> Clicking on "send and receive" again to hopefully receive a reply from my mom. But rest assured more emails will start pouring in at this time.

1000 --> Spend some time searching for a student's file among all the hundreds of the other students' files (yes, due to some person's incompetent capability in filing, this has become almost a daily routine for me!).

1030 --> Assess Applications (which merely means screening results of students to make sure they have met the correct requirements for entry into our programs.

1100 --> Start to warm up the printer as I start issuing offer letters for students.

1200 --> Scan all offer letters onto my computer and start sending very-polite emails to agents advising application statuses for their students.

1300 --> Boring data entry...all applications/offers have to be entered into the system so that other staff can have access to students' information.

1400 --> Most exciting 30 minutes of my day at work...LUNCH TIME!! *WooHoo*

1430 --> Hit "send and receive" again, yet again crossing my fingers that mom replies or entertains me with some happy news from home.

1500 --> Start the ball rolling again...same old shit of what I do from 1100 - 1300.

1700 --> Clocking off for home sweet home!

Mind you, in between my "normal" mundane duties I will still need to do some MORE mundane jobs like filing all because of an honorable statement from the boss, "Michelle, I would prefer that you be the one transferring all the past students files into the archive room because I don't trust that she will be able to file them in the correct order!" (WTF, again, eating someone else's shit!). I also have been given the honor to eves drop on telephone conversations, "Michelle, can you make sure you listen in on all her telephone conversations, because I don't think she's very confident on the phone!". I must also double check all the letters she generates because, "Michelle, can you please make sure all letters she created be checked before leaving the office? I cannot have more mistakes from this office floating out of this office anymore!" Gee, am I being punished for being too capable or what?!?!?!?!?

I have been so pissed that I have came up with this great temporary solution. I told my boss, "I will not talk to her anymore unless necessary because I don't want to distract her from her work which may then cause more mistakes and more clean-ups on my bahalf." My boss' reply, "That's a great idea!". I am so pissed that I cannot find the pleasure to speak to her anymore. Each time I speak to her, I wanna ask her this question, "Woman, do you ever learn?!?!?!?!??!" I know I sound nasty, wait till you work with her and let me know if you can tolerate all these punishments as a consequence of an incompetent colleague.

That is it...the final draw, I am officially pissed and this will be the end of my career in the admin world! And I bloody mean it! It is a shame because initially I quite like the routine of this job as there is not much stress involved and a super-uber nice boss, but these days there is not one day I come home without thinking how bloody unfair this really is!

On a lighter side, my ever-sweet boss cooked me tea for dinner. She baked lasagna last night and she brought me a container full for dinner. She had it packed nicely in a container with my name written on a post-it note tags on the container and then sent me an email letting me know that she had my dinner ready for me in the fridge! This sort of very kind boss only comes once in a lifetime, I reckon! She said, "I know John cooks your tea, now that he is away in NZ for work, we have to make sure you are eating healthy, Michelle!" Isn't she sweet? Yes, she is...

I'm not happy

I'm usually pretty tolerant at work. Seldom complain and seldom bring my burden from work away from work. These days the wind must have changed directions and I have been buggered with shit from work! Now, can someone tell me what is the logic behind being hardworking, responsible, reliable and consistent at work? One should be rewarded, right? Now I'm feeling the opposite! I have been sharing an office (and workload) with a colleague who is very young and immature. She is blur, inconsistent, has memory like a sieve, doesn't show initiative, doesn't take things seriously and slow. I don't mean this in a nasty way at all or have any intentions in putting myself on the pedestal. I'm just being honest, this person just does not have what it takes to keep an office functioning, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone is made differently, and we all just have to accept it as it is. It's coming up to 8 months now, after being in a company for 8 months and yet unsure about the products sold by the company is ridiculous! Worse than that, this person doesn't know how to even file in alphabetical order (*faint*). We, or at least I have tried so damn hard, bending over backwards to make things easier for her by spoon feeding her, setting up templates for her, explaining everything in a detailed manner, writing and highlighting information, composing step- by-step guidelines...still apparently, we have to give her a second chance by starting from afresh as a new slate!?!?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!??!? 8 freaking months and still we have to babysit her?!?!?!?!? Not we, but I!! Because of her incompetency, I have been instructed to cross check her work, explain everything to her patiently and in detail, take over her work which requires interaction with external parties!! I'm furious!! Is this world unfair or what?!?!?!? Just because she is incompetent and I am, I have to cover her back, eat her shit and be at the firing-line?!?!?!?!? Fucking ridiculous!! How come people who are not pulling their weights get protected and sheltered where as people who work really hard get more shit on their plates?!?!?!?!? One person working as one and a half is not fair...as much as I've been told how much I'm being appreciated, I don't think it works this way...

Now you choose, either she gets fired or I'm gone!

That brings me to the question: Is it worth the while for being competent at work?!?!?!?!?

Few secrets revealed...

Michelle still adores Hello Kitty as much as she did when she was 6!!

















Michelle lives with a sadistic guy who finds pleasure out of vacuum packing soft toys!













Michelle has a very bad habit of collecting paper bags (but sadly they will all have to be abandoned as we are moving and apparently there will not be space to accommodate the pretty but useless paper bags!).










Michelle has a collection of expired chocolates as a consequence of their cuteness, they look to good to be biten, let alone digested...












Michelle recently went horse-riding for the first time in her life and was extremely proud to think that she got along pretty well with horses...at least she did not end up in a puddle of muddy-mud!















Michelle has a pet bunny (it's illegal in Queensland, nevertheless she managed to smuggle one in with her!).

Just a thought

I am a Malaysian. A very proud one I must say, ask John and he will tell you I am so very Malaysian in so many ways. Unfortunately (or fortunately) this very-Malaysian is dating a non-Malaysian! Not just any n0n-Malaysian but a Malaysian rival --> Singaporean! These Singaporeans are so proud of their country and so supportive of their government which makes me quite envious at times. I wish my country would practise equal opportunity and fair-go like our neighbouring country. Unless in my dreams, I don't think these thoughts would come to realisation in the real world.

Lately, I've been receiving emails regarding Malaysia as a country for all but the wrong reasons, which truly is quite embarrassing and upsetting. This morning I received yet another email along the lines of racism. This is disgusting, outraging and horrifying to know! To know that the country I love is openly practising racism and unfair dismisals in public; as if to say we don't need all you second-class citizens contributing in our country! It saddened me to think that all along I was led to believe that I was appreciated as a citizen, and when we sang the national anthem together, we were one! Clearly this is a myth, isnt't it?

I then remembered one of my friends who was torn between Malaysian and Australian PR a while ago. Because she was like me, so "patriotic" and so "proud" to be a Malaysian. She thought if she rang the department of immigration in Malaysia, they may have mercy on her patriotism and would make an exception for the idea of dual-citizenship or even just a Malaysian PR visa. She was totally disgusted by the outcome of the telephone conversation that she applied to change her citizenship on the same day! She found out that as long as you are not practising the national religion, you are not welcome in Malaysia as a visitor, let alone a citizen! I was gobsmacked when she revealed the news to me that and my jaw dropped in shock! I knew all along I'm classed as a second class citizen back home beacuse of the colour of my skin and my religion, but I never knew they were so brutally blunt about the whole issue! This made me think...is the big G trying change the country into a one-race country? Will they be able to run the country without the help of us second-class citizens? What about "semangat perpaduan"? Different races living happily under one roof?

I must say I love my country, not so much the happenings in it but in general, I love the place I grew up and the friends I made in my country which makes me proud to be a Malaysian! I could change my citizenship if I like, but I can never change where I was born and the value instilled in myself all these years. It's sad but I think when it comes to the crunch, unless my beloved country shows some greatfulness for what my ancestors had contributed to the country generations after generations, it would be a very easy decision to chuck away the red passport and have it changed to a navy blue one!

Lost

Now Farah and I seem to be the only two lost people in this big fat world.

If you have a goal and working towards something in life, if you are focused and know what you want in life, if you are determined and work very hard for what you want, then good on you! =) (and I truly mean it!)

Being lost and confused is not a very pleasant feeling. For those who don't have this problem to worry about, here you'll get a taste of it. It feels like your time is ticking super fast and you are running out of time but yet not knowing the answer to the big question in life, "What would you like to be when you grow up?" Do you get questions like that while growing up? I surely did, each year before we commence the school curriculum for the year we'd be pulled up one by one by our class teacher with this golden question, "What would you like to be when you grow up?" Now as far as I can remember these were the few ambitions that I have put my hand up for before: Teacher, Lawyer, Doctor, Air Stewardess, Architect, Psychologist. How did I end up having these ambitions?

Teacher - According to my mom, every young girl would have this ambition at at least one stage of her life. I'm guessing because it is the earliest exposure we get from seeing our own teachers at work, having the whole class wrapped around her little finger.

Lawyer - I grew up all the first few years of primary school being pulled to sit next to the teacher in class simply because I talk too much and was such a distraction to other students. And teachers always have this stupid comment about me growing up as a lawyer one day because I talk so much. These teachers obviously have no idea what a lawyer does? Anyway, this have sorta got into me thinking "Great, all I need to do it to talk and I'll be a lawyer, I should be a lawyer then!"

Doctor - Who wouldn't want to be the person in the white coat and a stethoscope hanging over her neck? Sometimes with a needle to poke into some naughty girl's bottom too! Each time when I feel unwell, I go to the doctor and he/she will treat me, give me a lollipop and well I become! Therefore doctor came along too.

Air Stewardess - My first trip to HK with my grandma when I was a kid. I was just mesmerized by how beautiful this particular air stewardess was and I told my grandma, "popo, when I grow up I want to be just like this beautiful jea-jea, work in an airplane and fly all over the world!"

Architect - Was my dad's ambition. Don't know how it became mine along the way.

Phychologist - I wanted to be a counsellor actually but guess psychologist sounds more sophisticated, that was why it was chosen.

Well, now I'm neither of any of the above mentioned! Sometimes I feel very inferior the fact that I have not achieved anything concrete since I left school. What do I do? I cannot waste anymore time and I definitely cannot be lingering around doing nothing. I have resorted to believing that everything happens for a reason. Being lost is very tiring and very confusing. Don't know how logical this may sound but I guess being in the state of "lostness" is when we are being prepared for the "harvest". Don't know what I'll be harvesting but it has to be something good. In a few years I will look back and laugh at this experience. For as long as I have lived, I have not heard of someone being lost all his/her live. Therefore, I think this has to be temporary. I will end up somewhere one day, and it will be good. All will be planned and all will work out. I just need to hang in there and wait for my turn. When it comes, I will be so prepared that I will have a goal to work towards!

Nomore ambitions for me, it's time for the real world! At least now I know what I'm looking for in my next real world job:

1) Travel would be good
2) Contact with people
3) I've started to feel comfortable in the tertiary education sector
4) No desk-bound please
5) Company which cares to its employees
6) Professional dress code
7) Nice colleagues
8) No repetitive data entry please
9) Flexible working style
10) Flexible working hours

Maybe one day I will have an ambition again. Hopefully by then I will know what I really want in life! Till then I will keep hanging on...

Surprise gone sour...

I should be writing this from the Marriott Hotel in Gold Coast tonight however, thanks to a surprise that had gone sour I am writing this entry from the comfort of my own home tonight!

Last week Friday, John and I would have known each other for 5 years! In celebration of the 5th year into our relationship, John has decided to pack me a surprise which had to be delayed a week later due my work commitment in Hong Kong.

I arrived back to Brisbane on Tuesday and from then on, John had constantly reminded me to "pack for the evacuation!". I didn't really bother to take him seriously as I thought to myself, some screw in him must have come lose in him! Anyway, last night he finally let the cat out. He told me that he had organised a weekend get-away for the two of us. Therefore I have to pack an overnight bag. And so I did (the next morning, of course!).

First stop of the "evacuation" was a very satisfying Hong Kong breakfast at Sunnybank, followed by shopping trip at Harbour Town, Ice Cream at Movenpick and finally check-in into Marriott Gold Coast.

Upon arrival at the hotel, the front desk staff looked puzzled with the confirmation receipt that John had presented. We looked at him thinking he must have been over-worked! He looked at us again with this look on his face which spelt we were from another planet! And then we looked on the confirmation receipt and it has stated, Check-in date: 19 August 2008, Chek-out date: 20 August 2008! By this time I had to chuckle a laugh which very quickly, within seconds turned into steam blowing out of my ears and red veins popping out of my eyes! Very upset I was at John for being a scatterbrain consistently! Many things I can tolerate but having a scatterbrain which puts him out-of-tune in this moving world is unacceptable in my world!

John has apologised so many times like he had never apologised before! In my heart, he has already been forgiven from the moment we stepped into the hotel - for all the effort, I truly appreciate and am truly touched! But for the scatterbrain part of things, geez louise! Michelle is really not impressed at all! How can anyone ever make such trivial mistake?!?!?!??! This I do not underdstand, which resulted in a silent car ride back to Brisbane immediately! I know this will be something I'd be laughing about days later but the moral of the whole story is that John having a scatterbrain is not acceptable! I have nagged at him so much about being more organised, being more careful with things, being more responsible with his belongings, having more sense of urgency, bla bla bla...obviously all on deaf ears, all in vain...I simply know it now how useless to nag because the John I know is still the John I knew (after 5 long years, nothing has changed!)!