Saturday, September 06, 2008

Don't Wanna Grow Up...

These few weeks had been hectic and will continue on till I know for sure what I'll be doing with my life. I have too many things on my plate - packing for the move, getting ready for my trip home, mind-organising dad's 50th birthday bash, work stress and not to forget the lingering pain of the ultimate decision as to go home or to stay!

At times like this, when I have too many things happening at once, I always feel very emotional and weak...maybe it's an indication that I am indeed weak. I know I will get through it (as I usually do!), but it just very mind boggling when having so many things to attend to at once.

In another weekend, we will be out of our current place - 4/95 Berry Street...I will surely and sadly miss this place. Lots of memories, lots of love, and lots of joy shared...I'm so over moving from one place to another, but this has become a norm for renters like us - we live like nomads...up and go at any time. Landlords up the rent every 6 months...but our pay don't go up to match with the soaring living expenses, thus leaving us with not much choice but to leave to a more affordable alternative. I'm so gonna miss the convenience and the lifestyle of living in this place. So close to everywhere...work, city, shopping, food!

I miss my family
...I know I will be going home in 3 weeks time, but I know this trip home will be very emotional for me. Such a big part of me longs to be at home with the family...but the other parts know very well to be practical and do what is right. I hate being a grown up when things are not as easy anymore. Thank God I have a partner whom I can count on to be family for me here. Without him, I wouldn't be able to survive the last few horrible weeks. I complained, whined, whinged...but yet through it all he stood by me and just kept reassuring me that tomorrow will be a better day. I am fed up with my current work situation...makes me very upset. I work very well with my boss but I really cannot see any future for me in that role anymore. I fear going to work...I don't like my boss treating me so nicely because that will only make me feel more guilty and I could end up staying on in this job. I wish I'd be able to do something drastically unacceptable so that I'd be asked to leave...stupid thinking...but what more can I ask for to kill the guilt?

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Another Level of Maturity

My sorrow at work will end by tomorrow, but through the whole ordeal, I have found a new level of maturity. As much as I whined and complained about work, I would never in my life wished for someone to lose their jobs. My colleague has finally tendered her resignation. I cannot help but feel guilty...guilty that I have put her in such a terrible position that she chose to give up her job! She had complained that she had been given "cold shoulder" of late...I can't help but feel that I have been hit right in the head. True I have stopped chatting to her, but the reason behind it was so that she can learn to concentrate and focus as she admitted that those were her major problems distracting her work. There is a fine line between power and bullying...I don't think I like being given the dirty job of supervising someone. Power or bully?? It sucks...it makes you feel like you are the most nasty person in the world! Then again, through it all, I have matured another level...accepting another aspect of life...you just cannot please everyone...sometimes when it comes to the crunch it really boils down to either she dies or I die.

By-the-way, today marks exactly 2 years of my contribution to the company. In 2 years time, I have gone through 3 colleagues...something much be so wrong with me that i expressed loyalty...I think it's time to up and go...no point showing loyalty in staying in a place where there is no opportunity for growth, and unappreciative management. My boss thinks that after "getting rid" of my colleague, my work life would recover and be less stressful. This is like history repeating itself, when my other colleague left last year, I had to do the job of 2 persons...i expressed how stressful it was...but doesn't seem like anyone cares? Because I will have to be doing this again and knowing the management of this company, no new staff until one is exhausted. I need not exhaust myself again...I am looking forward to leaving this routine behind...Thanks but no thanks!