Little Miss Intimidating

Of late I have been very irritated by childish behaviour displayed by one of the many people I know. She is one who thinks the world of herself, clearly egocentric to the core, and neither has she got shame nor guilt for her filthy behaviour. She is one who would like to come across as the no-nonsense person attempting to present herself to be as professional as she can be, but at the same time having next to zero of any interpersonal relationship skills. I'm clearly unsure if she is just putting on a mask to reflect her superiority or if she really thinks of herself as a super goddess!

Anyway, she would not even be worth a mention for all the nonsense she's done to try to inflict pain onto those around her. I have no idea if she did them intentionally or not. I don't know, and quite honestly don't care. I have lost all respect for her as a person when I learnt how nasty she can get. I would rather stay off her radar!

Now if you have a problem with someone, clearly wanting to present yourself as someone so professional, you would do the appropriate by addressing the problem and not the person right? I have no idea what game is this person attempting to play. But get this, I have been nice enough to entertain your nastiness all these while. Despite all the shit you have done, to date I still reponded to your jokes, your comments, your responses...because I understand respect and am capable of resisting being a childish being like you. Right from this second, I am giving your no priviledge. You will be invisible in my eyes, and I will not give a damn what you do. For you will not initimidate me because you are powerless to me! Powerless in my eyes! So long, and farewell!

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

I've just swapped Brissy time to KL time...now let's do this again...

HAPPY OHNINE.OHNINE.OHNINE!! =)

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

Next time this date comes about I'd probably be 125 years old...chances of me living till then, erm, reality is that it's gonna be quite slim!

Anyway, happy Oh Nine, Oh Nine, Oh Nine everyone!

Hope your day was not as exhausting as mine...
I survived and will now look forward to Ten Ten Ten!
From now till then, please work hard people, and take care! ;)

Little Lady

Of late working with children became quite a routine, entering and leaving one kindy after another. There were kindies where upon leaving, I would think to myself, "Geez, how does the teacher keep sane with such a bunch of bouncing beans", some left me thinking, "Wow, not quite a bad job, the children were so adorable".

My childhood dream was to run a kindy of my own. What I used to term the one-of-a-kind kindy. My dream kindy would include academic work to get the brain going, day care with trustworthy people to look after the little bubbles (for the working parents), along with enrichment classes (music/dancing lessons), and hobby/play groups all packed into one. Almost like a one stop shop. I used to always say all the teachers I employ must love kids as much as I do. Hahhaha, asking a bit too much there, I reckon! Well, when you are young and naive, your thoughts reflect.

However I still think my dream job would include children and travelling. Children for how adorable they are, and travelling for I get bored of things/places pretty easily. Maybe not a kindy, maybe a developmental centre, one day...

Funny how I grew up having little to do with kids; I am amazed by how I manage to handle them just quite well. This one in particular, my little lady, never fails to make my day. I would openly admit that I spoil her rotten. Sometimes playing with her is the most therapeutic thing. I quite enjoy being silly with her, and then see her generously offering her giggles, hugs, and kisses.

Small taste of bitter-sweet feelings

I sometimes get angry at the smallest, and most insignificant events...I wonder why? I would like to be so much enlightened that I become so calm, so much so that nothing aggitates or irritates me, yet I find it a challenge. I dislike being bossed around, I dislike who thinks a world of themselves, I dislike people who make use of other people, I dislike people who are too dependent on others, I dislike ignorent freaks, and the list goes on...I am confident I will have the strength to see pass all these to achieve enlightenment one day, maybe not some day soon...but maybe in the next 30 years??

I have been doing quite a lot of catching up lately - which I pretty much enjoy! The thing I like about catching up is that, it feels quite surreal, as though nothing changed...different places, same people...Met up with some old school friends, and even an ex colleague from the first company I worked at in Brisbane. Sweet. At the very least despite my busy schedule, I am doing one of the many things I set out to do as I decided to relocate home. Small taste of sweetness like this, gets me going. Thanks for taking the effort and time to meet up y'all...means a lot to me! =)

Let Him Take Control

How would I fulfill 60 hours of direct clinical service when I currently only have 16 hours?
How would I work with a population of my choice when choices seem so limited?
How would I find time for my already planned trip when it's supposedly "crunch time" now?
How would I complete Practicum 1 when it feels so far from completion?
How would I get myself out there so that I can start paving my own path for my future?

Flooded with many questions reflecting current insecurities of being overwhelmed by workload which seems so difficult to complete. To top it off, a trip has already been planned for Brisbane since months, and months ago for the duration of 3 weeks from 10-28th August, would clash right with Practicum Assessment scheduled on 17-21st August. My excitement for the trip had turned into anxiety and distress knowing that I will not be able to complete my required direct clinical service of 60 hours - in fact I am far from even having banked in 1/2 the hours. By now I have passed the whining and whinging stage where I blamed the poorly structured course as a whole, lack of communication between many parties, no clear and precise information given, having the "as expected" attitudes, having lack of clients to share among trainees, etc, etc, etc...

Going to bed last night was not an easy thing to do, tossing, and turning, and hoping for a solution to birth that would solve my current distress. I can't remember how long it took for me to finally fall asleep, but rest assured it took me quite some time, as I recalled checking the time for more than 5 times! This morning as I opened my eyes, I felt really tired. Tired from thinking, and being extremely worried about my current situation. Not knowing what to do, I suddenly felt hopeless and far away from the exit in the tunnel. So much was going through my head that I took a deep breath and looked out the window. As I do that, something kinda knocked some sense into my head as started praying...

I prayed for direction from God. I prayed for the Lord to grant me opportunity to utilize my talents, so that I can be used in areas of my passion. I didn't know where these words came from, but I continued seeking wisdom, seeking clarity of the mind, and seeking courage to do what needs to be done. The word "opportunity" resounded many times, I was clearly seeking a window of opportunity to express the desires of my heart.

Sometimes when you don't know what to do anymore, and when impossibility seems like the only word in your vocabulary, try prayer!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Phillipians 4:6.

Sometimes surrendering everything to God is the best way out. I prayed believing that I would be heard...

Miraculously, within hours I see opportunity knocking at my door step, one after another...Today had been a fruitful day, a day I shall never forget... *SmileS*

And it starts again...

When I'm stressed, I tend to have the inclination to go and splurge on beautiful things. Can't really explain how shopping elevates my mood within seconds but it just does. The thing is, the causal of my stress at the moment is not having enough time to finish my work hence suffering the effects of these pressure. If I brave myself, put my work on hold and go shopping anyway, I know I will have no time to finish my work, but will be able to steal some time to indulge in some pleasurable activity. But reality is that stress will increase once I orientate myself back into work mode anyway. However, if I cling on to my stress, forget about shopping and force myself to finish the task at hand first, I would continue to run in the stress gear with no fun, and by the time my work finishes, the things I've had my eyes on might just be sold out! And that would mean stress from work plus stress from not getting what I deem as pleasurable = double dose of deadly stress!!

Here I go again...4 weeks into the new semester, I am feeling the familiar familiarity all over again!

Fun-kinda-tiredness

It's been quite a day...
Exhausting...
Draining...
Tiring...
But I quite enjoyed it.

My day started at the clinic where drilling started with my supervisor. I must say it was a very constructive session where I got drilled where appropriate and needed. She was actually pretty lenient with such a inadequate supervisee like myself. I sincerely hope that by the end of my supervision with her, I would have learnt a lot from her and able to be a better person at my job.

The next part of my day, I was invited to speak about my experience in surviving Australia as an International student. I was so nervous that one part I just blurted out, "What the hell!" real loudly, hahahah! I spoke so fast that I couldn't put a pause at what I was saying. I must say I felt really honoured being invited to participate in this event with people I used to work with in Brisbane. Brought back lots of memories. I used to view these people being my superior, and out of a sudden, that superiority schema which I set them upon just disappeared. Now it almost feels like we're on the same level. It was a very tiring day but at the end of it, I wished I could engage in that kinda tiredness once more. It's tiredness that I can put a period and go home not thinking about work for tomorrow. Where else as a student, my days are never ending, in that when I get home today, I still have to finish my work for tomorrow and prepare for tomorrow's lesson and that sucks! My day rolls on and on, and on and on... Suck big time!

Talent or Skill??

Sometimes I wonder if talents were given to match our predestined life?

Look, I really don't know if I have the talent to do what I am suppose to do...On the other hand I have so much more talent to do the things I wish I could do. People always say skills can be trained and sharpened. But why must my blunted skills be sharpened? Why can't I just use my already sharpened skills to cope in life? Is the grass always greener on the other side and that is why we are always usually tempted to bring out the part of us which is there but not quite there? We do this because we think this path would lead us to a better life rather than using the resources that we already have?

Between A and B, I honestly prefer B...but I have to complete A before I can get to B. I don't really need to complete A to get to B but since I've already started with A, I might as well complete it at the finishing line. By then hopefully B will still be an option and resources would still be there for B to come to success.

Dear Student

Sleep is starting to become a problem (again) these days. The new semester had only commenced last week and already after jotting down deadlines and expectations from lecturers, supervisor, and course mates, I find myself counting sheep with (unsuccessful) attempts to sleep...

I know pretty damn well that this semester will be hectic and I will not be able to afford sleep any lesser than what I am already lacking. I think I sorta, kinda know the roots to my problem. Am I setting too high expectations for myself that they become somewhat unrealistic, hence I overwhelm myself, which in turn caused so much uncalled for worries resulting in disturbance in sleep?

I don't want to lose my holistic experience of being back in KL to some mere academic expectations that I forsake other departments of my life. Already some things in my life is being at high risk, as I take a dramatic hold. Education to me has never been about books and lessons. It should include fun and the experience of here and now! What happened to the laid back, easy-going, stress-free girl I used to know?

Slow Down Mr Speedy!

I thought I'd have the privilege to post more entries describing my adjustment back to KL etc. Little did I know, being back here is no privilege, and Internet has got to be the worst thing I've ever battled with. After so many months, still nothing works. Out of my neighbour's kindness and generosity, I'm still able to use his connection, with his permission. But using something that does not belong to oneself means my flexibility is dependent on the owner. I have to work my "surfing" schedule around his. As much as I'm grateful for his kindness, being snapped off the Internet is not fun at all whilst in the middle of important tasks (by important I don't mean blog surfing or facebooking...I mean academic-related work). Due to my current circumstance, blogging has really been forced to take on secondary priority. Not like blogging has always been my priority, anyway. As much as I try, it just somehow do not seem to feel that important to me these days. I miss those days when I had the luxury to pen down my feelings and happenings in conservative diary-style. I remember days back in the good old school days where I would religiously jot down, and reflect on my daily happenings before I crawl into bed each night. Nowsdays as I go through my busy, nasty days, I often find myself rehearsing lines for my journal entries, but in my busy schedule, I almost find no time to sit down to reflect on my day on a daily basis. Such is life when it gets a little too speedy...

Am I who you think I am?

Stressors in life can throw you off-center, can it? As such, things that we don't need in life, we choose to eliminate. Coming from a people-pleaser personality, and the humanistic perspective, I have always thought of the need to accept people for who they are. I guess this view came from my limitted exposure to the specturm of people in our society. As naive as it may sound, I had always thought I have to agree with the people I care, and by agreeing, I should put their happiness first. Putting their happiness first, meaning to be like a loyal dog who does what is asked of the master - "sit here", "wag your tail", "keep going", "pee now", "stupid dog", "fetch it", "go now!", "good dog". Yes, to be like a dog. To those who matters to me, and I know appreciate me for who I am, I don't mind being a dog to them, but to some who are condescending, demanding, domineering, and authorotarian, maybe next time, ya?? Maybe one day when I'm self-actualised and reached my enlightenment. Till then, good riddence my condescending friend! =)

Labour Day

To all Labourers out there...GOOD DAY! =)

S for Shopping...

TEA & SYMPATHY
OPPSIE DAISY
BLUEBERRY
MOCA
MOOIE
GOSSIP

Catchy names they are...I spent the afternoon loitering around Bangsar going in and out, up and down shop lots, going through collections after collections of clothes to pick a few which made me very happy. Why not shop, when apparently shopping is way cheaper than paying to see a psychologist!

I don't know...it's not easy not feeling stressed anymore these days. Stress seems to be a constant, ongoing thing that when it stops, I feel odd. I feel like it's somehow not right and I need to surrounded by some sorta stress to make my life "normal".

Geez someone, give me some super, uber, ultra good news to make me feel like a bunch of floating balloons again, please??!?!??!?!

Till then, a shopaholic I shall be! ;)

2 Assignments Away

I'm 2 assignments away from completing my first semester as a graduate student!
I woke up this morning, thinking I'm so close yet so far...
But it's only the first semester...I see a super long and ultra winding road in front of me through this journey. Overwhelming!

Still Here...

"I'm still here!"

This reminds me, while working back in Brisbane, I almost always get locked in at work, being the last to go (on Fridays at least!), I would get the lights switched off on me and the main door locked by one of the staff...hence, "I'm still here!".

In this context, I'm still here, blogging...

Been a while, at least I'm still alive...

I took the plunge, I decided to come home to KL, to further my studies in Psychology. I don't know if my being in the program was accidental? Fated? Desired? But one thing I do know, I'm stressed to my core! I'm chemically and socially imbalanced, my life somewhat took a downward spiral...trying to stay optimistic, I'm convinced to think that my current state or permanence is merely my own interpretation.

What happens next?

Gee, I wish I could predict...we shall wait and see.

Well, at the very least, like it or not I'm still here! =)