V for Victory!

What you said to me last night made me renew to a greater length of my admiration towards your courage and your determinism to stay focused and not lose sight. You've boldly declare how badly you've been wanting this, that this has become the be-all and end-all of you...

I know how much this means to you, and believe me when I say I admire your courage and your determinism. As such, I give my word to you...I promise that I will never let you ever go down without a fight. Should you one day lose all energy to keep going, I will stop running my own race, and I will push you from your behind to ensure that you finish the race victoriously!

S for Shit Supervision

It's gonna be a venting entry...

I had the worst supervision ever! Yes, EVER! I'm not exaggerating, only stating the fact!
One of my videos was reviewed by my supervisor, which I was big time surprised by the transcript she's written because the 4 pages full of scribbles would only mean that she had been concentrating in front of the monitor to note my expressions as well as listened to every single word I uttered as I conducted my session. I was both very grateful and impressed that she took me so seriously that my trail of endless mistakes/faults due to my incompetence and inadequacy were jotted down one by one and then processed during supervision, which lasted for approximately 45 minutes. In the 45 minutes with her as we went through my "ares of improvement", the feeling was not nice! On one hand I felt like I was being punished as my mistakes were picked out one by one with no mercy at all, but then on the other hand, I felt like my wound were being cleaned and dressed to perfection by a gentle and caring supervisor. I must admit that I have never felt this way for a while.

As I reflect upon what I did which were (mostly) wrong in the last session, I really cannot pinpoint it to anything at all. Though I feel incompetent but my confidence is not hampered. I know I am inadequate, but I am not at all limiting myself to absorbing as much knowledge as I possibly can. I kept reminding myself that I have done this before, I used to do it so well, and therefore there is no reason for such carelessness or decline in skills. I know I am capable!

Right now, I feel like an ant. I know an ant may be small and could not be noticed by many before being stepped and ignored. But on the flip side of it, I know what an ant is capable of. An ant is hardworking and wise! I may look like a fool in the eyes of my supervisor now, but at least I am teachable and I strive to improve. If anything, this had renewed my impression on supervision and on my work in general - to take this seriously, damn seriously! and also take pride in the job I do. My past experience with supervision were most of the time pleasant and pleasing. This whole new experience had given me a refreshing start which I am confident that it will only make me better!

"Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer." Proverbs 30:25

"Go to the ant, you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Proverbs 6:6-7

What is it?

Weekday birthdays:
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Throw you a party this weekend, yeah? Too much hassle to have it today seeing that it's Monday, bad traffic everywhere and moreover tomorrow we'll have to wake up early for work! So, see you this weekend!" --> But a person's birthday only happens once a year, even so can't you make that little sacrifice to celebrate it on the day itself?

Have not found the "perfect" gift (yet):
"Hey, I'm so sorry I have not found the perfect gift for you! I've looked around a few shopping malls and still can't find something fitting for you! Owe it to you first, ya...I have something in mind for you, once I get my hands on them, I'd send it to you right away!" --> Really? You have been looking? If you know jolly well that you need to get a gift for a certain occasion by a certain date, can't you take the effort to start looking and organise yourself a little earlier? Well if it is important to you, I don't see why not!

Monetary gifts:
"Here's a small red packet for you! I figured I'm lousy at getting gifts, would be much better than I gave you some cash and you can go spoil yourself." --> Lousy at getting gifts or just another excuse for being lazy? Don't you want the person to remember you by that something you went through great lengths to get him/her?

Combined celebration:
"Since it's your birthday and our anniversary this month, let's have a double celebration at one go! We'd go and have a fancy dinner end of this month to celebrate both occasions so we won't need to crack our heads to think of where to go for two separate events!" --> Hmmm, this is unfair! The person did not ask for her birthday to be two days before her anniversary, did she? Two separate occasions deserve two separate celebrations. It's definitely not a hassle, it's another reason for celebration!

How do you justify these situations? Are these genuine responses or responses for convenience's sake? Is it our lifestyle? Is it because we are trapped in the hussle and bustle of our busy-bee society, which makes us become less thoughful and more of a slacker? I have no idea, I sometimes find myself being trapped in such excuses as well. But when I think of how important that person is to me, I try to go the extra mile to make the person feel special. I know sometimes we can't help it due to our busy schedules and what not. As I am expressing my thoughts at the moment, I can't help but feel extremely guilty for all the birthdays of special people I missed especially in the last year. Things that have passed unfortunately I cannot change, however I am fortunate for today and many tomorrows. As such, I shall try to mark down those special days and make sure they don't go unnoticed! ;)

North, South, East or West?

Have you ever felt like a little mouse chasing after a piece of cheese dangling in front of you? That's a bit of what I'm feeling now. In fact, there is not only a single block of cheese in front of me, there are multiple. All equally nice tasting, and all equally as high quality. What do you do when situation is calling for you to choose one of of the many? Although being given the hint that they all taste equally as good and maintain an equal high standard, how would you go about picking the best piece for you? Most importantly, how do you know what you have picked will serve as the best for you?

Sometimes, the best thing to do is really just to listen to your heart. But what do you do when your heart is not saying anything to you? It's all a matter of timing, really? Does that mean I keep sitting on it and eventually something might happen? I would like to think that I want it hard enough and therefore sacrifices are worth the while. But the thing now is that whichever way I choose, I seem to be sacrificing something anyway. OMG...life is complicated? I want to live a simple life! Or Simpler! :p

The Month of February...

Is it an advantage or a disadvantage that Chinese New Year 2010, so happen to fall on the same day as Valentine's Day??!?!? Is it going to be a double celebration or a deprieved celebration? Will I be seeing more red roses on the streets or more red packets in the bag? :p

Your happiness is mine too...

I'm not one who likes to show off, simply because it's simple enough that I know I'm not. I know how uncomfortable it is for the receiving party when people brag on about what's new and dear to them. Although I know sometimes that we cannot help but get so caught up in our own happiness that we put others down or unconsciously describe ourselves in lingo such as "us" versus "them". I know I don't like to be put in such situation and therefore, I am very careful as not to put anyone through such agony.

However, this is slowly becoming a problem for me as nowadays I adopt the idea that whenever I share good news with others, I am highlighting my happiness, and that to me is almost becoming a taboo. It's almost like me telling people about my success would mean that I'm putting myself on the pedestal. As a result, many at times, I find that I hesitate a lot to share good news with others. I'm not sure if I cannot or I dare not express myself. "Cannot" because I'm afraid that I may offend others who are probably not on the same boat as myself and "dare not" for the fear of losing such happiness too early, too soon.

So what exactly is my problem? I cannot be happy for myself? I cannot express happiness? This sometimes frustrates me as I hear other people brag and go on and on and on about their satisfaction in life. When they do tell me something pleasant about their lives/jobs/relationships/families/etc, I do get very excited for them. In fact, I love to hear happy reports from poeple. I really do feel happy for them and I genuinely smile from the inside as I embrace their news as my own. It's really effortless for me to be happy for others, but how come when it comes to dealing with my own happiness, I feel a sense of guardedness??

Future?

Just a random thought...I wonder what would the future look like for me??

I entertain this thought from time to time, think for a while until no conclusions can be made, feel a bit restless and unsure and usually let out a long sigh as I snap myself back to reality. It is scary sometimes when you do think to yourself, "gee if this or that had/n't happen, I'd be doing this or that?!?!?" I don't regret for the things I have done or have not done in the past. I am looking forward to a hopeful future. Just that at this point in time, future seems way too far away. As I slowly sail through my here and now, I sometimes wish someone/something could assure me that my future can look a certain way.

As I said, just a random thought...

Ello says Hello!

Ello is a new pet I received a little over three weeks ago...Apparently the person who gave it to me said that elephant symbolizes strength, humbleness and hard work. Upon receiving Ello, the student in me had decided to sit him upon a pedestal on my study desk to remind me of it's wonderful traits as a strong, humble and hardworking animal. I immediately fell in love with it and wish to share that with you. If you are wondering what could be of guidance to you this year, maybe try being like Ello?!?!? ;) (p/s: that's Ello after having McD's for breakfast...it's all full and very satisfied with both food and toy!)

Fruit of the week: "Be Encouraged!"
Whatever that you are pursuing at this point in time, please be reminded to "be encouraged". Sometimes, it's easy to lose sight of the greater picture when we only dwell on current our pains/obstacles. Let us be encouraged to continue fighting the battle and work hard at achieving whatever we've have set out to achieve! =) Gambate!!

Warming Up!

Slowly warming up to the load...After not seeing clients for about a month and a bit, it almost feels like all skills harvested before the holidays just conveniently flew out the window. Sad, ain't it?!?

At times like this, it helps to remind myself that "I am here to learn!" Though different supervisors means different approach and what not, I still only have one objective that I cling on to, "I choose this site to get my hands dirty, and therefore soaking my hands in mud and shit is expected for the sake of L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G!"

Though the brain engine does take a bit more time to warm up to the demands, I must not lose sight, and always remember that my "BEAUTIFUL HEART" is polished to be "SERIOUS" and "PURPOSEFUL".

External Practicum

I don't really know how to describe my feelings at the moment. I'm one step closer to becoming a professional?? I don't know if I can put it that way...anyway tomorrow will mark the beginning of my External Practicum. Along with excitement of seeing REAL DEAL clients, I'm also very anxious about my own capabilities. I'm not sure if it's self-confidence but I have a feeling it's not. It's more like knowing I'd be thrown into the deep sea, not having my 10 other classmates there to vent and to support when things get a lil rough is quite daunting! It's at times like this that makes me realise how much my fellow classmates have contributed to the successful completion of my last 3 semesters! Not easy at all, but with them, they make it easiER. Together we shared our load, we embraced in each others' successes, we support each others' weaknesses, we encourage, we played, we fought (and we fought hard!), we did most things as a team. Now that we'll be going our separate ways as we start our external practicum, I wish each and every one of us the best of luck! Though we'll be seeing lesser of each other, let's not forget how efficient we were as a team and let's continue to be of encouragement to each other!

Is does sound like I'm going through separation anxiety...whatever it is, the lil stress that I'm feeling could just be a good thing I hope! =)

To External Practicum! =)

New Year, New Beginnings!

I've never done anything like this before, and to add to it, I have never thought I was competent enough to be holding down a job like that...I guess to a new beginning, I shall dig up my courage, have a taste of it, let my hair down, and enjoy myself??

I was selected as a teaching assistant for one of the subjects along with another coursemate! Woohoo! "Congratulations, Chelle!" I know...for those of you who know me, you know how much this sort of thing isn't really my kinda thing? But hey, to everything, there is first! And to this, how else would I wanna have a taste of it if it was not one of the subjects I am passionate about? Anyway, I see this as a milestone in my life. And to those who say "never" to some things, think again! "Never say never..." for you never know when you'll be called up!

As with my new year resolution to keep my dreams at heart and to fight hard for them, I think this is a fantastic place to start! =) Everyone out there, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know this will be a great year, so play hard, folks!

Little Miss Intimidating

Of late I have been very irritated by childish behaviour displayed by one of the many people I know. She is one who thinks the world of herself, clearly egocentric to the core, and neither has she got shame nor guilt for her filthy behaviour. She is one who would like to come across as the no-nonsense person attempting to present herself to be as professional as she can be, but at the same time having next to zero of any interpersonal relationship skills. I'm clearly unsure if she is just putting on a mask to reflect her superiority or if she really thinks of herself as a super goddess!

Anyway, she would not even be worth a mention for all the nonsense she's done to try to inflict pain onto those around her. I have no idea if she did them intentionally or not. I don't know, and quite honestly don't care. I have lost all respect for her as a person when I learnt how nasty she can get. I would rather stay off her radar!

Now if you have a problem with someone, clearly wanting to present yourself as someone so professional, you would do the appropriate by addressing the problem and not the person right? I have no idea what game is this person attempting to play. But get this, I have been nice enough to entertain your nastiness all these while. Despite all the shit you have done, to date I still reponded to your jokes, your comments, your responses...because I understand respect and am capable of resisting being a childish being like you. Right from this second, I am giving your no priviledge. You will be invisible in my eyes, and I will not give a damn what you do. For you will not initimidate me because you are powerless to me! Powerless in my eyes! So long, and farewell!

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

I've just swapped Brissy time to KL time...now let's do this again...

HAPPY OHNINE.OHNINE.OHNINE!! =)

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

Next time this date comes about I'd probably be 125 years old...chances of me living till then, erm, reality is that it's gonna be quite slim!

Anyway, happy Oh Nine, Oh Nine, Oh Nine everyone!

Hope your day was not as exhausting as mine...
I survived and will now look forward to Ten Ten Ten!
From now till then, please work hard people, and take care! ;)

Little Lady

Of late working with children became quite a routine, entering and leaving one kindy after another. There were kindies where upon leaving, I would think to myself, "Geez, how does the teacher keep sane with such a bunch of bouncing beans", some left me thinking, "Wow, not quite a bad job, the children were so adorable".

My childhood dream was to run a kindy of my own. What I used to term the one-of-a-kind kindy. My dream kindy would include academic work to get the brain going, day care with trustworthy people to look after the little bubbles (for the working parents), along with enrichment classes (music/dancing lessons), and hobby/play groups all packed into one. Almost like a one stop shop. I used to always say all the teachers I employ must love kids as much as I do. Hahhaha, asking a bit too much there, I reckon! Well, when you are young and naive, your thoughts reflect.

However I still think my dream job would include children and travelling. Children for how adorable they are, and travelling for I get bored of things/places pretty easily. Maybe not a kindy, maybe a developmental centre, one day...

Funny how I grew up having little to do with kids; I am amazed by how I manage to handle them just quite well. This one in particular, my little lady, never fails to make my day. I would openly admit that I spoil her rotten. Sometimes playing with her is the most therapeutic thing. I quite enjoy being silly with her, and then see her generously offering her giggles, hugs, and kisses.

Small taste of bitter-sweet feelings

I sometimes get angry at the smallest, and most insignificant events...I wonder why? I would like to be so much enlightened that I become so calm, so much so that nothing aggitates or irritates me, yet I find it a challenge. I dislike being bossed around, I dislike who thinks a world of themselves, I dislike people who make use of other people, I dislike people who are too dependent on others, I dislike ignorent freaks, and the list goes on...I am confident I will have the strength to see pass all these to achieve enlightenment one day, maybe not some day soon...but maybe in the next 30 years??

I have been doing quite a lot of catching up lately - which I pretty much enjoy! The thing I like about catching up is that, it feels quite surreal, as though nothing changed...different places, same people...Met up with some old school friends, and even an ex colleague from the first company I worked at in Brisbane. Sweet. At the very least despite my busy schedule, I am doing one of the many things I set out to do as I decided to relocate home. Small taste of sweetness like this, gets me going. Thanks for taking the effort and time to meet up y'all...means a lot to me! =)

Let Him Take Control

How would I fulfill 60 hours of direct clinical service when I currently only have 16 hours?
How would I work with a population of my choice when choices seem so limited?
How would I find time for my already planned trip when it's supposedly "crunch time" now?
How would I complete Practicum 1 when it feels so far from completion?
How would I get myself out there so that I can start paving my own path for my future?

Flooded with many questions reflecting current insecurities of being overwhelmed by workload which seems so difficult to complete. To top it off, a trip has already been planned for Brisbane since months, and months ago for the duration of 3 weeks from 10-28th August, would clash right with Practicum Assessment scheduled on 17-21st August. My excitement for the trip had turned into anxiety and distress knowing that I will not be able to complete my required direct clinical service of 60 hours - in fact I am far from even having banked in 1/2 the hours. By now I have passed the whining and whinging stage where I blamed the poorly structured course as a whole, lack of communication between many parties, no clear and precise information given, having the "as expected" attitudes, having lack of clients to share among trainees, etc, etc, etc...

Going to bed last night was not an easy thing to do, tossing, and turning, and hoping for a solution to birth that would solve my current distress. I can't remember how long it took for me to finally fall asleep, but rest assured it took me quite some time, as I recalled checking the time for more than 5 times! This morning as I opened my eyes, I felt really tired. Tired from thinking, and being extremely worried about my current situation. Not knowing what to do, I suddenly felt hopeless and far away from the exit in the tunnel. So much was going through my head that I took a deep breath and looked out the window. As I do that, something kinda knocked some sense into my head as started praying...

I prayed for direction from God. I prayed for the Lord to grant me opportunity to utilize my talents, so that I can be used in areas of my passion. I didn't know where these words came from, but I continued seeking wisdom, seeking clarity of the mind, and seeking courage to do what needs to be done. The word "opportunity" resounded many times, I was clearly seeking a window of opportunity to express the desires of my heart.

Sometimes when you don't know what to do anymore, and when impossibility seems like the only word in your vocabulary, try prayer!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Phillipians 4:6.

Sometimes surrendering everything to God is the best way out. I prayed believing that I would be heard...

Miraculously, within hours I see opportunity knocking at my door step, one after another...Today had been a fruitful day, a day I shall never forget... *SmileS*

And it starts again...

When I'm stressed, I tend to have the inclination to go and splurge on beautiful things. Can't really explain how shopping elevates my mood within seconds but it just does. The thing is, the causal of my stress at the moment is not having enough time to finish my work hence suffering the effects of these pressure. If I brave myself, put my work on hold and go shopping anyway, I know I will have no time to finish my work, but will be able to steal some time to indulge in some pleasurable activity. But reality is that stress will increase once I orientate myself back into work mode anyway. However, if I cling on to my stress, forget about shopping and force myself to finish the task at hand first, I would continue to run in the stress gear with no fun, and by the time my work finishes, the things I've had my eyes on might just be sold out! And that would mean stress from work plus stress from not getting what I deem as pleasurable = double dose of deadly stress!!

Here I go again...4 weeks into the new semester, I am feeling the familiar familiarity all over again!

Fun-kinda-tiredness

It's been quite a day...
Exhausting...
Draining...
Tiring...
But I quite enjoyed it.

My day started at the clinic where drilling started with my supervisor. I must say it was a very constructive session where I got drilled where appropriate and needed. She was actually pretty lenient with such a inadequate supervisee like myself. I sincerely hope that by the end of my supervision with her, I would have learnt a lot from her and able to be a better person at my job.

The next part of my day, I was invited to speak about my experience in surviving Australia as an International student. I was so nervous that one part I just blurted out, "What the hell!" real loudly, hahahah! I spoke so fast that I couldn't put a pause at what I was saying. I must say I felt really honoured being invited to participate in this event with people I used to work with in Brisbane. Brought back lots of memories. I used to view these people being my superior, and out of a sudden, that superiority schema which I set them upon just disappeared. Now it almost feels like we're on the same level. It was a very tiring day but at the end of it, I wished I could engage in that kinda tiredness once more. It's tiredness that I can put a period and go home not thinking about work for tomorrow. Where else as a student, my days are never ending, in that when I get home today, I still have to finish my work for tomorrow and prepare for tomorrow's lesson and that sucks! My day rolls on and on, and on and on... Suck big time!

Talent or Skill??

Sometimes I wonder if talents were given to match our predestined life?

Look, I really don't know if I have the talent to do what I am suppose to do...On the other hand I have so much more talent to do the things I wish I could do. People always say skills can be trained and sharpened. But why must my blunted skills be sharpened? Why can't I just use my already sharpened skills to cope in life? Is the grass always greener on the other side and that is why we are always usually tempted to bring out the part of us which is there but not quite there? We do this because we think this path would lead us to a better life rather than using the resources that we already have?

Between A and B, I honestly prefer B...but I have to complete A before I can get to B. I don't really need to complete A to get to B but since I've already started with A, I might as well complete it at the finishing line. By then hopefully B will still be an option and resources would still be there for B to come to success.